Friday, January 26, 2007

I'm Frustrated!

Let me start with the good - my RT workouts have been kick-butt! I'm stronger right now than I've ever been and I'm really striving, each and every workout to surpass what I did the day before. My CV workouts could be better but that usually happens during the winter months - it is so much harder to get motivated to go outside when the temperature is 12 degrees like it is this morning. I can accept that part because I know my CV will really rev up when the weather starts to warm-up a bit.

The bad part is my eating. It has always been my weaker point - I love the taste of junky food. I could easily sit and eat crap all day long. Yes, I plan my meals most days and even take meals to work with me. However, there are days when there is food at work that I eat (off plan) and days when I grab stuff at home (off plan). The worst part is that I know that I'm doing it and I do it anyway. Some people talk about having just a little nibble of "something" and before they realise what has happened - all of the "something" is gone. That isn't what is happening with me. I know I'm eating something I shouldn't and I tell myself: I don't care I'm going to eat it anyway. The problem is that I do care and I don't want to continue this cycle.

One side of me (the side that has written my current "why") wants to prove to myself that I can do something EXCELLENT. I would love to have the look of a cross between a fitness and a figure competitor. They both have such beautiful and sexy bodies. I love aspects of both of them. To do this, I'm sure I'd need to get my body fat down in the 13ish percent range. This would truly be EXCELLENT for me. But, the other side of me is telling me: "you're just a couple of pounds over the weight you were in high school & you look good in and out of clothes. Why do you want to put yourself through all the trouble of trying to get down that low - it's too much work...." yada, yada, yada.

I have this fight, in my head, each and every day. Add this too everything that I've got going on in my life right now and in many ways it is wearing me down. Who knows, maybe that is part of the reason that I tell myself that I don't care. I really don't have any answers here, I'm just babbling I guess.

The best part though is that I know, deep down in my soul, that regardless of what the answer is I will never stop living this lifestyle. I love how I feel when I'm working out and working out hard. Will I always have this struggle with food? I don't know but my gut says probably. This seems to be a very abrupt end to this entry but when you don't have any real answers is there any type of good ending?

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