Tuesday, March 31, 2009

It's Been Ages!

I feel as though I've been doing a lot of drifting lately! My nutrition has been hit and miss, my health hasn't been all that great (wasn't able to exercise for about 3 weeks because of illness) and I've just not felt excited about much of anything. Many hours have been spent watching TV instead of doing anything remotely constructive and it is time for that to change!

Yesterday I worked on my new and updated "WHY" and will post it here. I want and need accountability but mostly I need to find the strength inside of me to fully commit to the LL and make it's principles a part of my DAILY living! WARNING: my "WHY" is pretty long but here it is anyway:

Why Now?
I’ve just looked back at my last “WHY”, which was written last July while I was in LLE. It talked about wanting to run a 3:50 marathon and how doing that would be easier at 130-135 than it would at 154 pounds. The funny thing is – I am again about 154 pounds and I’m just as displeased with the weight now as I was then. So the question now becomes, if I’m so displeased with the weight, why am I not dropping the pounds and then maintaining that lower weight? I’m not sure I have an answer to that question and to be honest, writing this “WHY” (each and every time I write one in fact) seems to give me as much trouble as keeping my eating clean.
In many aspects of my life, people have told me that I’m a perfectionist and that I’m a Type A personality. I’ve never considered this to be the case but maybe it is true. “If I can’t be perfect with my eating then I won’t pay any attention to it at all”. The funny thing is, other than making sure I run at 4:45 in the morning I don’t think I view my running the same way I view my food. We’ve discussed this type of thinking during our runs but haven’t really come up with any answers.
In addition to being a perfectionist, I’m also a people pleaser and quite content to stay back in the crowd. I do not like confrontations (I may hurt the other person’s feelings) and I’ve never been the one who stood out - I’ve always been the steady and dependable one content to stay in the background.
I now feel that these 2 factors have had a negative effect on my self-esteem. My self-esteem isn’t so low that I hate myself or anything like that but it has caused me to view myself as something less than “special”.
These feeling need to change – I need to transform my body and my mind. I am living a life that God did not intend for me. I need to become the person that He created me to be – “SPECIAL!”

Bring on the Pain!
I really can’t recall “missing-out” on things. I’ve been a part of many wonderful teams and groups – I’ve always been a great team player. Being a part of those groups gave me some of my fondest memories.
My “pain” starts more in the present. I have recently gone through a “who cares” phase and during this phase I added a good 10-15 pounds. So, there is a great deal of poor self-talk that usually accompanies those types of situations: “Great job…all that hard work last year and you threw it all away!” To go along with the increased weight you also have a clothes issue. Many of my clothes do not fit (although it is, at present, getting better) – every time I try to put them on I’m reminded of what a “failure” I am. These feelings and situations are not acceptable and will no longer be tolerated!
I’ve also come to realize that I usually try and take the easy way out of things and I’m coming to realize that this is a character trait that I do not like and one that needs to change. I was about to write that this is true with my nutrition only but who am I trying to kid? I have not been putting the effort out into my exercise programs either. Resistance training is not easy so I have not been performing it regularly! Keeping my eating according to plan during the afternoon is not easy so I have not been sticking to my plan! The truth is, there are many aspects of my life where these traits hold true – I take the easy way out or the short cut.
Finally, I have determined that I have NEVER fully committed to this program. I have not put the Six Strategies into practice and as a result I have not seen the results that I should have seen. This has also not allowed me to make this a part of my life and has kept it as a “program” or a “diet”.

Who else is impacted?
My family is definitely impacted by my current actions as well as by my future actions. My current actions are forming patterns in my kids. If they see me eating junk, they will do the same. Conversely, if they see me eating healthy, fresh foods in the correct portion sizes, they will follow that example as well.
As I start putting my needs first, they will be affected by that as well. It probably won’t be comfortable and in some cases I’m sure I’ll get resistance. That can not and will not stop me!
I am a preschool teacher and one of my responsibilities is teaching our school’s gym classes. I therefore have an opportunity to influence a rather large number of people. I am a very active person so I already get many comments from my co-workers who are amazed at just how much energy I have. I have tried to be a positive influence on their lives so that they can in turn, take it home to their families. However, I feel that my best opportunity is with the 100 children in our school. Children are sponges, at this age, and it is very important to me that I lead them in the right direction – one that will lead them to a happy, healthy and active lifestyle!

Bring on the Pleasure!
Fully committing to something will be a new experience for me and one that I’m sure will bring me pleasures that I can’t even imagine! I know I will feel better physically and emotionally. In addition, my running will also improve! However, there is something much more important to be gained from this journey – self-respect! I will know that I not only set a goal but that I also made sure that I trusted and loved myself enough to make the best choices that I had available to me. As long as that process is occurring, the weight loss becomes a secondary outcome. I am becoming a better person on the inside which will eventually manifest itself on the outside.

Thanks for taking the time to read this!