Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Losing Myself....

...and not in a good way. I'm losing myself in a layer of extra fat!

Way back in the spring, I developed a pretty bad case of tendinitis in my forearm. As a result I had to stop lifting because everything I did was causing me pain. That seems to be the beginning of my problems. About the time that I got the tendinitis under control I was pretty far into my marathon training. Everything I had read told me not to add in lifting/new exercising in the middle of the training because it greatly increased the risk of injury - so I didn't.

When you read running publications, they tell you to make sure you eat lots of carbs because that is what your body needs when running long distances. Unfortunately, for me, the increased carbs began to get bigger and bigger (in portion size) and the quality began to get worse and worse. If I were to look at my nutrition right now it has become mostly carbs (hardly any protein) and high amounts of fat. I have not been tracking my nutrition so I have NO idea what my calorie intake has been but I can guarantee that it is way too high! My weight has increased to about 148 which is less than I was when I got married almost 11 years ago but higher than it should be. I am also to the point where my clothes are quite uncomfortable and I hate wearing anything that isn't shorts or sweats (my problem area is my waist).

I am still running a good 30 to 35 miles per week and tried to start lifting again a couple of weeks ago. The lifting got cut short, again because of injury - I strained an abdominal muscle. I think I'm now to the point where I feel comfortable adding the lifting back into the program. Just in time to deal with all the stresses of Christmas and birthdays (both my children have December birthdays).

I find myself doubting myself in many ways lately. I don't feel in control of many aspects of my life and I don't know how to get rid of the feeling. Everyday I wake up vowing to myself that today will be better! I will eat a more balanced menu. I will make sure to get my lifting sessions done. I will avoid fast food. I will avoid candy/sweets. Each and every day I say these things to myself and each and every day I find myself failing miserably! I have tried over and over again to get myself out of this "funk" and I can't seem to find a way.

At Leanness Lifestyle, Coach Dave talks about finding your "Why" and from day 1 I have struggled with this. I try to look into myself and figure out what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it but I always feel frustrated while doing it. It is not a skill I am very good at and I think my frustration comes from the fact that I think I should be able to just come up with the answers. I'm looking into myself not some stranger, so why can't I just sort it out and have the answer? It is all very confusing and frustrating (I seem to be using the word frustrating and awful lot - do you think I'm feeling frustrated? LOL - kind of!)

Anyway, I'm not really sure where all this is going. I'm still running and will continue to do so - it is one of the few really great things in my life right now. My husband and my kids being the only things ahead of it right now. I want to get all the other aspects of my life under control and back in order and I hope to be able to do that soon. I'm praying for some divine intervention - I need the Lord's help to get me back on the right path. If there is anyone out there that is willing to give me a swift kick in the butt or has any suggestions I'm open to reading them.

Here is one source of true inspiration. Julie, I don't know how you fit everything into your day but if you have any suggestions please help. Your pictures are awesome - to think you have been able to put on muscle and lose fat while training for ultras is amazing!

I hope that by starting to post here more often, I will be able to get things back on track. I also need to get back onto the LL site and log my food and my exercise. I know these things are the first steps - all I have to do is start using the tools and keep at it consistently!

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